The Classies
The Classies
What does it take to get a Classy?
The Classy is awarded to an individual who has consistently demonstrated that rare combination of extraordinary talent, unmatched humility, and an ample portion of discretion when it comes to concealing the past rowdy secrets of other members of a vintage rock band. John has demonstrated this in spades, his own confession to having cut his teeth blowing sax in a titty club notwithstanding.
We include for your edification a previously unpublished and currently fictious interview with the award's most recent recipient, Mr John Helliwell:
Q: So John, how does it feel to receive the Classy?
A: I can honestly say that the attention of people like you reminds me of why I often have a glass of wine before I do a show.
Q: Thank you. It's an honor. How would you summarize your career with Supertramp?
 | A: I can honestly say it's been a delight. You don't keep working with people like that for 30+ years unless you truly enjoy your work.
Q: Do you have any regrets?
A: Not a one. When Rick cut my 10 minutes sax solo from the song 'Brother Where You Bound,' I knew it was for the best. After I saw the video for the song I had no doubt that it would not have improved things. |
| Members of the Classy Society presenting Mr. Helliwell with their distinguished award. |
Q: It's been said you're a master of decorum. How do handle the occasional question about Roger leaving the band?
A: Look there at that cloud. Looks like a bird, doesn't it? What kind of bird would you say it looks like?
Q: I don't know - a goose? Now where were we? Funny how I clean forgot. Oh yes, any plans for the future?
A: To go on shining, shining like brand new. Damn it, do you think we slave over those lyrics just because we like to hear ourselves sing? Do you? You disgust me - I don't mean that personally, you understand.
Q: No offense - to be shat upon by you would be an honor. Perhaps we could discuss that after the show. Now I understand you are forming a new band, Crème Anglaise. Care to tell us anything about that?
A: Yes, it's a fine group of musicians playing music we enjoy and hoping that audiences will have a good time as well.
Q: That's admirable and not funny in the least. I must say you are classy through and through. Every word from your lips vindicates the wisdom of our selection. I told them we should go with you instead of Kenny G.
A: Now you're just trying to make me puke, aren't you? Where's my check and my trophy?
Q: A-hah, a-hah. That was just a pretense. This interview is the actual award. That and a hearty "Well done! It's our hats off to you, Mr. Helliwell, and best wishes for many more years of outstanding achievement!"
A: Well, I am pleased to receive it. My career has honestly been a delight, and I am thrilled to have had the opportunity to share my love of music with so many people around the world. But you really should consider presenting an actual trophy with your awards in the future. We famous people have mantels over our fireplaces just like everyone else. Cut us do we not bleed, and all that.
Q: I'm sorry - I didn't noticed you were injured. A trooper to the end, ladies and gentlemen...let me get a band-aid...
A: Oh, hush up now. You bring out the agitation in me like hardly anyone I've ever know. Did you used to be a mime? I appreciate your award, but for your own safety, please go away.
And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, our interview with the distinguished Mr Helliwell. We hope you enjoyed it twice as much as we did. And if you do have any old school athletic trophies lying around the house, please mail them to us so we can begin getting ready for next year's awards presentation. All the best from your friends at the Classies.
The stuff on this site is fictitious - as if you couldn't tell.