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Administration Seeks to Limit Professional Athletes' Pay

06-11-2009

Noting that professional athletes often make tens of millions of dollars a year for "playing games" while average Americans are struggling to pay their mortgages, the Obama administration announced Wednesday that it has appointed a special master to evaluate and reduce the pay of most professional athletes.

"It is an injustice to Americans everywhere that these aloof public figures should make scandalous salaries wholly disproportionate to their actual contributions to society. In light of this, a special master has been appointed to assist Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner in calculating new salaries for them that more fairly represent what they actually deserve."

Reasoning that the athletes indirectly benefited from government money by being protected by the United States Armed Forces, the executive branch has asserted its authority to apply fairness standards to "reshape" their incomes. In additional, the special master has recommended that all professional sports franchises, regardless of the sport they participate in, must play and lose to the Washington Generals at least once a year.

Spokesmen for the various professional athletic associations could not be reached for comment, though Pete Rose was willing to bet the whole deal was unconstitutional.

If the salary reshaping model proves the successful, the administration plans to extend its scope to Hollywood celebrities, tv stars, recording artists, and Oprah.

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